


nervosa

by withfeeling



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-05-01 19:59:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19184593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withfeeling/pseuds/withfeeling
Summary: Nervosa comes from the Latin word for ‘nervous.’For contextual purposes, it means ‘the psychological addiction to a behavior, belief, or habit’ that affects the body via the nervous system, or the mind....Felix has always struggled with anxiety. When he becomes an idol, he hides it, even from his closest friends. While Felix suffers in silence, he falls prey to unhealthy coping mechanisms in an attempt to manage his anxiety.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning! Please read the tags carefully and be gentle with yourself <3

Even as a toddler, Felix had been anxious. In the beginning, his mother had thought it was just the phase of separation anxiety that most children go through as they get older, and are expected to be more independent. However, by the time Felix was entering kindergarten, it was clear that his nervous disposition was more than a phase.

 

Nothing in particular would trigger his anxiety, it varied from day to day, but it made him feel physically sick and emotionally exhausted. The doctor diagnosed him with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and said he was predisposed to it since it was common in his mom’s side of the family.

 

Felix was lucky that his disorder was, for the most part, mild. Felix was even luckier that his environment was generally supportive: his parents tried to help him as much as they could, his teachers were understanding, and his friends were indifferent—besides a few joking quips of ‘worry wart.’

 

As he continued to grow older and enter his teenage years, his anxiety got worse; he found solace in dance. His local dance studio became his second home, his safe haven for when everything was just _too much._ When the deep bass resonated from the speakers and through his bones, he felt free. He was talented, so when he was offered the opportunity to make his coping mechanism—as well his passion—his career, he jumped on the opportunity. He passed his audition with JYP, and flew to Korea as soon as he finished high school.

 

His parents had disapproved at first; they were worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. Felix shot them down and said that as long as he had dance he’d be fine. His anxiety had other plans. Growing up, Felix had been in a very stable and sheltered environment. So, when he stepped off his plane into a foreign country, in an unfamiliar situation, his anxiety flared up worse than ever before. He didn’t understand the language and he didn’t have any friends. Worst of all, he tended to forget the little Korean he did know when he felt anxious.

 

Most days, he felt nervous to the point in which he wanted to cry. He couldn’t eat and couldn’t stomach what he managed to force down. Luckily, those first awful few weeks ended when he met Chan. For the first time since he left Australia, he felt okay. His anxiety became even more manageable once he met his group. Despite how close he grew to his members, he didn’t tell them about his anxiety disorder. It was no secret that mental illness was stigmatized in nearly every country, especially in Korea. And Felix knew he didn’t need to tell them, since he could handle it himself; he had dance, loving friends, and was slowly learning the language.

 

The survival show sent Felix through a whirlwind of emotions, but surprisingly his anxiety remained mostly at bay, even when he faced elimination. He was either too busy, too sad, or too tired to even think—much less worry—about anything.

 

During the, weeks leading up to debut, Felix was the most anxious he had felt in his entire life. Even when he danced, the music couldn’t drown out the thoughts that consumed him. The dance studio became his safe haven once again, but for new reasons. Indeed, he still loved to dance, but more often than not, the dance studio was a safe place where Felix could have a breakdown without the fear of anyone seeing or hearing.

 

During the weeks leading up to debut, Felix was struggling to eat, as his anxiety never fully went away; it always sat dormant in the pit of his stomach waiting to erupt. He knew he’d throw up if he tried to eat anything substantial, so he usually didn’t even try.

 

“You’ve lost weight.” Chan said to him at breakfast one morning, as Felix tried to choke down a protein shake.

 

“I’m not trying to, but thanks?” Felix replied uncertainly.

 

Chan seemed to relax slightly, yet still seemed dissatisfied, “That wasn’t a compliment.”

 

“I mean, it can’t be bad to drop a bit of weight before debut. You know, the camera adds a few kilos.” Felix shrugged nonchalantly.

 

“Felix.” Chan sighed. “You’re skinny already, please eat healthy and don’t lose any more weight.”

 

“I don’t want to get skinnier, trust me.” Felix earnestly looked Chan in the eye.

 

* * *

 

 

The night before debut, the group ordered delivery to celebrate. Jisung and Hyunjin complained about bloating from the salt, but seemed to forget their concerns as soon as the delicious smell of fried chicken wafted through the dorm. Felix tried to smile gratefully as Seungmin passed him a plate piled high with food. His stomach turned at the sight of it. With debut literally the next day, Felix already felt like he was teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack. He had managed to surpress it from being visible to his groupmates, but he couldn’t surpress the internal effects of his anxiety: mainly nausea and unwanted thoughts plaguing the forefront of his consciousness. Just a single bite would be all it would take to induce violent retching, so Felix just tried to push his food around his plate and make it look like he was eating.

 

“Felix, why aren’t you eating?” Jeongin asked, fox-like eyes wide with innocence.

 

Immediately, Chan shot a look at Woojin, then turned to Felix with narrowed eyes that said, _‘Hey, we had a deal.’_

 

Felix laughed nervously, sounding slightly on the verge of hysteria, “I’m just not hungry.”

 

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not hungry, you have to eat. You need to have strength for debut.” Chan said in his ‘leader-voice,’ leaving no room to argue.

 

“But—!” Felix tried.

 

“Please, just a bite?” Changbin pleaded softly.

 

Eight sets of eyes looked at Felix expectantly, his stomach turned merely at being stared at, but he had no choice. He decided to just get it over with; he could never deny Changbin anything anyway.

 

He took a small bite of the chicken, and the others visibly deflated, relaxing again into amicable conversation. However, Felix noticed how Chan was still watching him out of the corner of his eye.

 

Felix gulped thickly, and took another bite, bigger than the first. He fell into trance: bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Soon enough he had finished a whole piece, and felt surprisingly okay. Chan looked pleased, and for a moment Felix thought he beaten the sick feeling. But then, his anxiety erupted once again, and a wave of nausea overcame him. Felix stood up abruptly, knocking over cups of cola and plates of chicken, and ran to the bathroom, with a hand firmly clamped over his mouth.

 

He barely made it to the toilet before the measly bit of chicken, and the disgusting brown liquid of a protein shake from lunch rushed out of his mouth. Felix realized that in his race to the toilet, he had forgotten to shut the door behind him. If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with the brown waterfall spewing from his mouth, he might have been embarrassed.

 

Wordlessly, Changbin walked into the small bathroom, and shut the door behind him. He sat next to Felix and rubbed gentle, reassuring circles on Felix’s back, even after the vomiting passed. Felix leaned into Changbin’s side.

 

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you to eat. If I had known it would make you sick…” Changbin trailed off, pressing an apologetic kiss to Felix’s hair.

 

“It’s not your fault, but thank you.”

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“Okay, actually.” Felix genuinely meant it. With the vomit, he felt as if he had purged every bit of anxiety hidden in the crevices of his mind and body, weighing him down. There was something soothing about complete emptiness; it made him feel almost calm, the best he had felt since he had left Australia.

 

He tried not to think about the implications of this discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *has two WIPs and a math final the next day*
> 
> Also Me: *doesn’t study and does this instead*
> 
> Hope y’all enjoyed! I should stop torturing them one of these days, lol.
> 
> withfeeling


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! Read the tags carefully

Once they debuted, Felix’s anxiety lessened, but was still proving to be difficult to manage on a daily basis. With Chan watching his every move, Felix was forced to eat. However, always feeling like he was being watched made him feel anxious, and forcing food down only made him feel more nauseous, which made him feel even more anxious. It was a vicious cycle with no escape; if he didn’t eat he’d feel okay but Chan would notice, but if he did eat Chan would notice how unsettled he seemed. Both could result in him being confronted or reported to management—or worse—pulled from the group, even just for a short hiatus; it had happened before and undoubtedly could happen again.

 

Felix tried his best to fake normalcy: he tried to eat just as much as the others and conceal his omnipresent anxiety. It worked for the most part, and as the weeks progressed his overall level of anxiety stabilized to being generally manageable. He was almost able to eat regularly, too. Unfortunately, no matter how he tried, he never could quell his anxiety before a show; he was fine once he actually got onto the stage, but in the final hours leading up to it, he was a wreck inside.

 

His members always had a hearty meal before they performed, and Felix was not exempt from it. He worried about Chan noticing something amiss, so he ate despite the nausea he could barely suppress, which was usually present for the duration of the meal.

 

He started to throw up before every show. At first, it was completely unwillingly, but it soon evolved into a habit, and then to a ritual. After the first few incidents, Felix realized he felt _better_ if he vomited; he was obviously less nauseous, but also calmer, lighter, and mentally detached from his body in a strange—yet soothing—way. Even if he didn’t feel ill before a show, he would still lock himself in a bathroom stall, _just in case._ He almost started to look forward to throwing up; it was awful and disgusting, but it tempered his anxiety in ways even dance couldn’t.

 

Felix kneeled above the toilet and tried not to think about how many germs he was probably inhaling, or the unknown number of butts that had graced that particular toilet. He didn’t have time to care about things he couldn’t see anyway; the show was going to start in less than an hour and he still hadn’t thrown up. Felix wasn’t sure when throwing up became part of his pre-show routine, even if he wasn’t nauseous. The arena was one of the largest ones they had ever performed in. He had to be calm, he had to be empty, he had to be _perfect._

 

He groaned. It just wasn’t happening—not naturally at least—he couldn’t throw up.

 

When he was in the second grade, he had gone to the carnival on a school field trip. His friends had dared him to try to eat an entire hot dog in one bite. Like any self respecting seven year-old boy, he refused to back down from the dare, even if he knew it was probably impossible to complete it. His stubborn decision to persevere proved to be a dire mistake: he wasn’t expecting that the hotdog would trigger his gag reflex. Felix vomited all over the front of his best friend’s cargo shorts. After that, his friends never dared him again.

 

Something aggressive and viscerally animalistic possessed him, and without the cognition of doing it, his hand was in his mouth, and his fingers poked at the back of his throat. A tear escaped the corner of his eye and he felt suffocated, but he did not relent. _Finally,_ he felt a searing rush of bile creep up his esophagus, and then his stomach spilled its contents into the toilet, polluting the clear water of its basin. It hurt and was pretty unpleasant, but Felix felt better, so how bad could it really be?

 

He flushed the toilet, and washed his hands with more soap than usual. Once he felt steady enough to leave the bathroom, he popped a piece of mint gum into his mouth from the package in his pocket.

 

“Felix!” He heard Jeongin call from down the hallway, “I was looking for you.”

 

“Found me!” Felix called back, and broke into a light jog to reach his friend quicker.

 

As he approached Jeongin, he felt as if the earth had shifted on its axis. Suddenly, he was laying flat on the floor.

 

“Are you okay?” Jeongin ran over to him, and kneeled on the floor. Felix felt Jeongin grab at his wrist, checking for a pulse.

 

“I’m fine, just got a little dizzy.” Felix tried to sit up, but his head complained in protest, so he decided to lay on the floor and let Jeongin fuss over him bit more.

 

“Are you sure? Wait, I’ll go get Chan.”

 

“Really I’m fine!” Felix sat up and gave Jeongin his brightest smile. “Also, you can stop checking my pulse, I’m pretty certain my heart is working.”

 

Jeongin sighed, but flushed slightly at having Felix point out his obvious medical cluelessness, “Okay, fine. But if you seem off during the show, I’m telling Chan.”

 

“Of course!” Felix gratefully accepted Jeongin’s hand, and let himself be hoisted to a standing position, “Did I mention that you’re my favorite person ever?”

 

“Shut up.” Jeongin replied, a wide smile creeping onto his face.

 

* * *

 

Felix nearly cried when Chan announced a day off.

 

They had been so busy with promotions, which meant Felix was constantly fighting his anxiety. Felix had taken to throwing up every night, once he was sure everyone had gone to bed; it was too risky to keep throwing up at the venue before a performance, and if he threw up the night before, its numbing high would be enough to get him through the next day. He was vomiting often in the absence of nausea. It was a preventative measure he supposed, the way Hyunjin took vitamin C supplements even when he didn’t have a cold.

 

Since there was no performance the next day, Felix knew that, if he wanted, he had a night’s reprieve from his routine purging. He knew there was no reason to, but he couldn’t stop himself from throwing up anyway.

 

 _Just in case,_ He reminded himself as he forced the smooth end of his toothbrush down his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me @ 3 am: let’s write!
> 
> A shorter update but wanted to get something out! This chapter marks an important shift for Felix. Expect the others to notice something wrong is the next chapter. This will probably end in ~5 chapters, but who knows, lol!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! Graphic depiction of purging

Felix hugged his knees and he shuddered violently. He was bundled in a thick sweatshirt but he was still _freezing._

 

During a recording session a few weeks prior, Jisung had pointed out how raspy Felix’s voice sounded. His tone was gravely, in an unattractive way. Rather than sounding sexily husky, he sounded like a thirty-year smoker. Later that day Felix noticed how swollen his face was. As he stared at his round face in the mirror, while he brushed his teeth, he tried to rid the thought of tooth decay from his mind. He was an idol! It was his job to sound pretty and look beautiful. Felix needed to stop throwing up so much, before the fans noticed how unattractive he had become.

 

At first he tried to learn healthy coping mechanisms: from breathing exercises to knitting. But nothing worked, and despite his efforts, he always ended up with a finger down his throat.

 

Then, he had an epiphany. If he ate less, he would be able to avoid the debilitating anxious sick feeling that plagued him, and thus, he would need to throw up less. He was a genius! Indeed, he knew that it wasn’t healthy to restrict his intake, but he assured himself that it would only be a temporary fix. This was only for the foreseeable future, until he learned to manage his anxiety better.

 

While his bandmates tried to cool themselves with mini fans and icy water, Felix was desperately fighting a chill that seemed to have seeped deep into his bones.

 

“Felix, are you okay?” Chan frowned, “You’re shivering. Are you sick?”

 

“I’m fine, I just fell asleep with wet hair last night.” Felix easily lied, and pushed away the had Chan had pressed to his forehead.

 

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

 

Chan still didn’t seem convinced.

 

Beneath thick hoodies and sweatpants, Felix’s bones pushed against his gaunt skin. It hadn’t been his intention to lose so much weight, but considering the cycle of starvation and purging he was subjecting his body to, it didn’t surprise him. He hadn’t weighed himself, but he didn’t think he could be much more than 45 kilos. He was surprised no one had noticed, but since all his clothes were baggy, he supposed his frail frame was disguised. With a grunt, he stood up from the floor. His tailbone jutted our painfully whenever he sat, so he could never remain seated for more than a few minutes.

 

Luckily, the group had a two-week break scheduled for the end of that month, so Felix supposed he’d try to gain back the lost weight during that time. He just had to survive a little longer. He’d be fine.

  


* * *

  


Felix poked at the fruit next to his sandwich. Carb-heavy foods, especially sandwiches, were always a bitch to purge. While he jabbed and scratched his throat, bread stuck to his insides and laughed at him.

 

“Why aren’t you eating?” Changbin asked softly. He put an arm around Felix’s shoulders and squeezed comfortingly. Felix learned into his warm side.

 

“No reason.” Felix grit out, and reached across the table to grab a few napkins. He’d have to try to hide his food somehow, and just stuffing it into his sleeve without wrapping it was gross, soggy, and embarrassing.

 

As he reached for a napkin, Minho grabbed his wrist.

 

“Um, excuse me—,” Felix tried to take his hand back, but Minho held tight.

 

“ _God,_ did you get into a fight? Your knuckles look messed up!” Seven heads turned to look at the pair.

 

 _“I fell.”_ Felix replied dryly, and snatched his hand away before anyone else could catch a closer glimpse of his marred hands.

  


* * *

  


**_Minho_ **

 

_Chan, I’m worried._

  


**_Chan_ **

 

_Me too._

  
  


**_Minho_ **

 

_His wrists were so small. I’m scared for him._

  


* * *

 

Felix doubled over, violently retching and choking, as his fingers jabbed at the back of his throat. Foul tasting liquid and chunks of meat splash into the thin layer of water, slightly clogging the drain. He had eaten pasta for dinner: a mistake. They had an important interview the next day that Felix couldn't let his anxiety ruin for the group. He just needed to feel _empty and calm_ , and it would be fine.

 

He could still feel some food sloshing in his stomach—spaghetti was always painful to get rid of—so he jabbed again. He needed to get rid of it; he needed to stop thinking.

 

Nothing happened; he wanted to start crying.

 

He grabbed his toothbrush from the sink counter, alternating between both the bristled and smooth edge. He stood beneath the spray of the shower but he couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was just water—maybe both. His bandmates had been worried for him recently, so Felix was being extra careful. He hated feeling like a burden. They already had enough to deal with, without hearing him choke on his own fingers.

 

Something raw and visceral possessed him. He scooped up some of the diluted vomit from the area surrounding the drain and opened his mouth. He felt out of his body and mind. It did the trick, the final clump came up in an acidic gush. He was so repulsed he would have thrown up again, if he could have.

 

Felix sat on the edge of the bathtub and watched the warm water slowly fill up. The air was warm with steam, but Felix couldn’t feel it. He was hoping he’d feel better in the water. Once the water reached a suitable height, he placed a towel down to sit on (he had bruised his spine when he hadn’t), and gingerly sank into the bubbly water.

 

Pale knees poked above the water’s cloudy surface, as he hugged his legs to his chest. His stomach turned at the sight of his legs. In his high school psychology textbook, he had seen pictures of skeletal girls suffering from eating disorders. It disturbed him how his legs looked nearly just as thin. _But he couldn’t have an eating disorder._

 

The water soothed his weakening muscles, but it was quickly cooling. Reluctantly, he got out of the tub and wrapped himself in a fluffy towel.

 

The the water made the bathroom warm and humid. The heat him feel dizzy and nauseous. He leaned against the the edge of the sink and tried not to heave. His vision was blurring to darkness and he felt like he couldn’t hear. His limbs felt leaden, while he simultaneously felt as if he were floating. His legs unwillingly gave out beneath him, but he didn’t have the strength to push himself up.

 

He wanted to cry, but he was too weak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay!
> 
> I’ve been struggling a little lately so I can’t tell what I’m projecting into my writing and what actually makes sense for the plot.
> 
> On a better note I am 100 days clean! Woot!  
> I have evolved to the epitome of bts’ love yourself series.
> 
> Hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day <3


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